Right now, it’s the 19th of August 2013 - 1:40am to be exact. It’s a Monday and classes had been suspended. We were supposed to have our tests today but I hardly had enough time to allow myself to think. My mind had been consumed by the mere thought of you - the way you walk, the way you’d talk to me and the way you’d smile. I’d like to think that the things we do were indeed.. the “the things we do”. It would be for us and us alone but I guess I was/could/would be wrong - whichever would be appropriate and applicable.
I’d like to concentrate on other things - and erase you from myself completely but I could never bring myself to do that. Maybe I’m being too nice but no, I don’t think I’m nice at all. From my perspective, all I could see is the wrongness and the things that I would bring myself to regret one day. I’m arrogant, obnoxious, outspoken and a tad bit egoistic - I know. Though, I’d also like to believe I’m a nice enough person - hopefully. As of now, I could call this as me “living my teenage years” but when compared to other teens our age, I’d say I’ve done a lot of things I shouldn’t have had.
I like you. I absolutely adore you and I think you’re wonderful. I’ve seen how you are at your best and I’ve seen you at your worst. I’ve seen you fall crazy mad for a girl and I’ve seen you be the nice guy you are. I know how you act and how your personality works. When you’re ecstatic, you’re face lights up and your laugh seems brighter. The way you move also seems livelier- the way you gesture things like crazy when you’re happy makes me laugh. Whenever you’re upset, your words and smile don’t reach your eyes. Your voice deepens a tad bit and you move slower, calmer and gentler - like you didn’t care about anything at all. Even though you never said things, I could sense if there was something wrong. I didn’t say anything about them until you told me yourself since I’d rather not make you worry some more. I’m thankful though, that you’re honest with me. It means a lot. Those little details matter to me. We’ve gotten into fights as well and we disagree on things but I still think you’re amazing. You aren’t perfect - nobody is but you’re wonderful. I think that’s what matters the most.
As of this moment, we have talked about a lot of things, experienced a lot of things together and shared a lot of memories. I don’t know if you feel the same way towards me but if you don’t, I’d honestly say it would be alright. Sure it would hurt at first but weren’t we the best of friends above anything else? As long as you’re happy, I’d be alright.
Your words and actions have stopped matching up and it consumes me every time I’m left alone to think about it - about what we are, about what I’m doing and about what am I going to do next. I’d hate to assume about things like this, you see. The way we act, isn’t just on a “friends” sort of level - that’s obvious. We aren’t together though, so what are we exactly? I’m craving for the reassurance that would set my mind, my heart and my everything at peace. It doesn’t have to be you liking me back the way I like you, no. I just want to know what you think and feel about this and if we go and “try” or if we should drop everything and remain as friends. Anything between the two would be alright with me, I’d be content with that.
Sometimes, I feel as if I’m getting a smack on the face. Whenever someone asks you about you liking someone and you say no, it’s as if I’m playing stupid and unaware of the things happening around me even though I already know. Whenever you’re with your “exes” or whatever term I could use, I feel uneasy - and it’s all because I haven’t got the reassurance I’ve been asking for. I shouldn’t be jealous, we aren’t together but we act that way and whenever I see you together with them, I feel like comparing myself - hardly nice, a lot of bad shit going around me, won’t back down and so on. No, I’m not telling you to stop being friends with them - what kind of person would I even be if I did. When I see you with them, it’s as if I see something picture perfect wherein there’d be no space for myself in the equation.
I’m not even sure if I’m making any sense right now, my mind is all messed up and I can hardly think about anything else but you. I’ve been thinking about what to do about this lately but whenever I’d have the guts to actually do or say something, you’d affect me the way I’d rather not have and experience during that time. When I see you - even though I had just thought about all of these things - you’d make me forget about them and make it seem like everything’s perfectly okay. I don’t even know. There’s so much more that I want to say but I think this would have to be enough for now. All I know is - I like you so much and yeah, I shouldn’t be thinking this way.
———————————— 2:17am of the 19th of August, 2013.